Yesterday, I had what I can only think to refer to as a ‘blip’. I was eating food with my friends and I was having a lovely time (albeit I was feeling a little worse for wear after coming down with a bit of a cold), and then, rather abruptly, my head started to feel a little swimmy and everything seemed a bit heavy and just generally off. This happens sometimes. When asked why I was being so quiet, I responded, with a shrug, “I just feel a bit quiet.”
A few years ago, I had a really rough, difficult time, and I went to the doctor and I made some huge life changes and things got a little bit easier. Thankfully, since then, things haven’t been quite that bad, but sometimes things get a little bit off again. Sometimes they last for days or weeks and sometimes it’s just a few hours. I always feel a little bit guilty and I tend to keep it mostly to myself – I don’t want to worry anyone and I feel like it’s my responsibility to take care of myself. I must be doing a good job of it, because people have commented on how I have it “so together” and I never seem to have any problems, and all I can do is laugh and smile awkwardly and say, “Yeah, I mean, not really, but thank you.”
But the thing is – it doesn’t have to all be down to me. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty about this, and I remind other people of this constantly, but when it comes to me I have a hard time accepting help without feeling like an inconvenience. This is silly. I am not an inconvenience, and the people around me don’t see me as such. Anyone who does has been cut off; lopped off like the dead ends of bleached hair.
I do feel bad admitting I’ve been sad when I’ve been doing nice things with good people. I feel as if I’m letting everybody down – but it can’t be helped. Sometimes we get sad. It’s okay.
If you feel like you need to see a doctor, then you should see one. Being taken seriously by your doctor can definitely help you feel like your feelings are valid, and they are. When you start believing that your sadness is valid and important and real, it becomes easier to deal with. You’re no longer dealing with something that you’re denying is true.
If you aren’t comfortable enough to see a doctor, then talk to someone you trust. Just having someone assure you that what you’re feeling is important can give you the courage to take steps to change it.
My blip didn’t last long this time. Sure, I’m feeling sorry for myself today because I haven’t had a cold this bad for a while and I’m feeling rather pathetic, but it’s no blip. We’re coming up to my favourite time of the year, and I have a handful of exciting things planned, and even though there’s no guarantee I won’t have those weird feelings (in fact, it’s rather the opposite), I’m confident enough in my support system that I’ll be able to cope.
I don’t have a point in writing this post this time. I just had a funny mental turn yesterday and it was playing on my mind, so I sort of just felt the urge to blurt this all out. I’m better than I was a few years ago, but I’m not better. Sometimes things don’t feel good. I’m not letting anyone down in admitting that.
It’s okay to not get better all at once. There are going to be blips and some blips will be worse than others. Sometimes, I might need to go back a few steps, and that is okay. I’m just going to take it all as it comes, and we’ll see how it goes.